Relationship evaluation.

Story.

Why build in such a moment at all? At a conference in Munich, I spoke with someone who renews his relationship with his partner every year. Each year, he deliberately asks the question: are we choosing each other again for next year? That inspired the idea of building deliberate moments like this into a relationship.

Reflection · 4 min readGood questions, good invitations.One good question can lay bare the problem underneath, and with it the solution.Experimenting with it also showed why the check-in opens with a positive question instead of with complaints: a conversation that starts with what you do not like quickly turns sour.

The check-in begins with one deceptively simple question: “What did you like over the last six months, and what would you like more of in the next six months?”

The question is positive, but it is not about pretending everything is fine. Instead of starting with “I came home and the house was a mess again,” you might say, “I came home that Wednesday and everything felt so calm and tidy. I loved that.” The wish is still there; now it is grounded in a moment you value. That makes it an invitation, rather than a verdict.

There is also value in checking in with yourself first. In my remote quarterly review, I ask: “What do I want from the relationships in my life?” Then, roughly every six months, a dedicated conversation creates a safe moment to ask how things are going. Daily routines can crowd this out, which is why it helps to schedule the pause.

My own practice, first described in a 2020 post. Generalised here; personal details left out.