Polle de Maagt 
Polle de Maagt
For years I collected out-of-office replies that were better than "I am away, contact my colleague". Along the way I kept a second pile: automatic mails that had nothing to do with holidays. Order confirmations, onboarding mails, newsletters, even a cold sales mail. Nobody writes these with much love. That is exactly why the good ones stand out.
An order mail that knows it is software.
“I'm Little MOO, the bit of software that will be managing your order.”
The order confirmation introduces itself as Little MOO, who hands your cards to Big MOO, the print machine. It says what happens next, when your order arrives, and where the real people are if you need them.
Why it works. It is honest about being a robot, and funny about it. And it still points you to a human.
A shipping mail with a story.
“We're just enjoying the last sip of our dry martinis to the sound of Papa's got a brand new bag.”
Your order shows up on a big screen in the office lounge in Zurich, next to the gramophone and the leather sofas. They raise a glass to your choice, and let you know they are about to ship it.
Why it works. Everybody sends a shipping mail. Freitag made it sound like their bags: a bit rough, a bit cheeky, and unmistakably theirs.
A person, the day after you sign up.
“Yesterday you created a Fosbury account and I was wondering whether you needed help.”
One day after you create an account, a mail arrives from someone whose job is to make your experience work. Their name, a real question, and an open door.
Why it works. The moment right after a sign-up is where most people drop off. A named person asking one question beats a series of onboarding tips.
A newsletter that unsubscribes you.
“I purposely removed 6,036 people that hadn't opened the last four newsletters.”
Investor Kevin Rose cut his newsletter from 61,823 to 55,787 subscribers, removing everyone who had not opened the last four issues. His open rate was around 70%, against an industry average of 15.6%.
Why it works. The more a company knows about you, the less it should bother you. Most do the opposite. Same idea as Netflix cancelling members who stopped watching.
An autoreply that manages expectations.
“I limit myself to checking email only a few times a day.”
Not away, just focused. The reply says when you can expect an answer, why, and what to do if it cannot wait: call.
Why it works. It turns a slow reply from rude into a choice, and gives you a way around it.
An autoresponder that says no, kindly.
“I'll be honest, I don't check this e-mail often.”
An entrepreneur tells you straight that this inbox is not where his attention goes. For the things he does answer, he points you to the team address that replies within 24 hours.
Why it works. Clear about what you will not get, and precise about where you will get help.
A personal assistant that asks first.
“He asked me to go through his LinkedIn connections to see who would be interested.”
To promote the TNW Conference, Boris Veldhuijzen van Zanten let his "personal assistant" Jarvis mail his LinkedIn connections, asking who would like to come.
Why it works. Everybody has been spammed by an exported contact list. A playful go-between turns the same mail into a question, and makes it easy to say no.
A cold sales mail with a bet.
“I bet I can save you money on your outbound shipping rates. And if I can't, I will buy you a pizza.”
A cold mail from a marketplace offering shipping rates. Three short questions, and a pizza voucher if their rates are not lower than yours.
Why it works. They know what a lead is worth to them, and they spend it on something you remember. In a flood of cold mail, this one stands out.
A no that still sounds like a yes.
“Unfortunately we don't have this service here. But we're Whatever/Whenever, so we will double check.”
I asked the hotel for something it does not offer. The reply said so, and then promised to look anyway.
Why it works. Not being able to help is not the problem. How you say it is.
What they share.
They sound like a person, even when they admit they are software. They tell you what happens next. And each one takes a small risk: a joke, a name, a bet, an honest no. None of them needed a campaign budget. They needed someone who cared about the most boring mail in the company.
automatic, not mechanical
Open the last three automatic mails your company sent. Would anyone forward one to a friend? Rewrite the one they would forward least.
Collected on polledemaagt.com between 2011 and 2020. Quotes are from the mails as I received them, shortened. Names of private people are left out.
